Improving communication with your partner

First let's get one thing straight. Couples argue! Well, humans argue. The dream of an ever peaceful relationship is only that, a dream. That doesn't mean that we were made to live in constant battle mode, and when a relationship feels like that, something has to be done.

Here are some tips that, if put in practice, can definitely help:

Active listening - 

When you listen to your partner already formulating the answers in your mind, your listening is reactive, meaning that you are not putting yourself in their shoes, which requires empathy. It's almost like you're gathering invisible stones to start throwing as soon as they stop talking. When you listen with empathy and put yourself in your partner's place you open yourself to see the situation through their perspective. A good tip is to listen and then repeat what you understood, so your partner will feel heard and validated.

It is a democracy - 

It is not a monologue. When your turn finishes and your partner has shown that they understood your needs and feelings, you need to give them the chance to also be understood and heard. 

Be present - 

Do you notice that, in the middle of a discussion, your attention wanders? It is important to place yourself in the moment and be present in mind, not only physically. Other trap we usually fall into when it comes to communication, is that when something happens we pull out a list of ten other perceived past insults out of the box and add them to the blaze. Being present means focusing on the issue at hand, not bringing up old wounds that do not help at all, quite the opposite, they distract you from what needs resolving.

Those blessed 'I' statements - 

Try to spot the difference in these two sentences:

- You never spend any time with me!

- I feel the need to spend some time with you.

You are saying the same thing in both sentences, but the first one sounds like an accusation. The second one expresses a personal need. When you use 'I' sentences instead of 'You' sentences, the other person is less liable to take it as an accusation and much more prone to take your needs and feelings into account.

Respect each other's boundaries - 

It is important to understand that we all have a limit. If things get heated and one of your need to take a break, respect that need. Don't follow an angry bear into the cave! That will avoid escalations and you can continue the conversation when the both of you feel calm again.

Why so serious? -

We know that certain subjects can be quite delicate but why make it all so solemn? Whenever possible, when you need to discuss something, try to lighten up the mood, plan a conversation over some wine (or whatever you lovey doveys like drinking), a quiet evening, a romantic dinner. When you start from a place of love instead of planning for a battle, there is much more chance for the conversation to go where you want it to go.

Start couple's therapy - 

A professional third party who is not objectively involved can help you see things from a different perspective, mediate those tough conversations, guide you through different communication techniques and find underlying problems in your relationship. A therapist does not take sides and there is no cookie cutter therapy. Each couple is different, every situation brings different demands. Couples therapy can help you solve relationship conflicts for a more harmonious living together and it can also help you decide when it is time to let go of a relationship. 

Don't beat yourself up-

If you tried everything and can't seem to get along,  it is totally ok to move on. You weren't born together, right? It would be wonderful if all relationships worked but that is not realistic, and some, specially if you experienced abuse, should not continue. Make peace with your decision to end it and know that you can and will survive it. Make sure you have a tight support group around yourself (family and friends). And to cope with the pain and sense of loss the process will most likely cause, seek individual therapy.

by Monica Doyle